I'm a man and I can change...

Remember the line from the Red Green show on public TV? "I'm a man and I can change, if I have to, I guess".  Despite resisting that for 10 years of marriage, I have finally given in. 

Attachment has been a challenge for Boaz and I since he came home. I feel deceived! Especially after we had those good times together on our first visit, laughing and playing together. And the "bonding" on our second trip, working through his initial grief, finding a few special things that made him laugh and giggle. And spending a few extra days together before we came home to join the rest of the family. I thought we had something going here!

Well, as you may have read from Susi's earlier post things have changed slightly...majorly. Boaz does have good times of play if he's in the right mood and we've had a few good moments just between the two of us. But for the most part Boaz is very attached to Susi...and very NOT attached to anyone else. 

We have a special wakeup routine (morning, afternoon, or middle of the night); Boaz wakes up, looks around, starts fussing, gets up, starts crying, leaves his room, starts howling. At this point most parents know to pick up their child and give them a hug, however when I do this Boaz flips out even more, thrashing and arching his back, screaming louder than ever. So it becomes a race to get to mom ASAP and try to reassure him that I will spend NO time trying to console him, but speed him to who he really cares about!

Now as the man of the house I am the designated "problem solver", so you can imagine it's frustrating to attempt to solve the problem of my little buddy that I carried around happily in my arms and on my back for a week in Seoul only to find out he'll have none of it! 

So after trying a few different techniques that all resulted in total meltdown, I've resigned myself to the statement, I'm a man and I can change, if I have to, I guess. And as I reread through some of the Empowered to Connect principles from classes we have taken, some understanding calmed my nerves.  

They recommend parents stay home a full 30-40 days to aid in the transition and consider the first 3 months critical for an adoptive child to attach to any caregiver, so we're doing pretty good with him attaching to Susi!  

He is just past the age, 8-12 months, shown by research to be most difficult for a child to transfer to a new country and culture. There is a need behind the behavior; he is developing trust in us like a newborn infant does, "I matter because when I cry, my parents come and meet my needs" (even if it is just a hand off to Mom).

So I've calmed down and learned some lessons about a few different things:

Pride: I think I can do it all, that my ability and knowledge will enable me to figure anything out. Wrong! Due to the way things are it's just not so with Bo. I'm going to have to be patient and put in my time of calmly and gently responding to him "voicing" his concerns in order for him to attach to me.

Selfishness: I guess I expected some reciprocal affection from Boaz. I've gone to all this effort to bring him home and took time off work to try and ease the transition. And I have given, given, given to and for this little one. Karyn Purvis' Empowered to Connect resources reminded me that while we have been anticipating this change for months or even years for some, it all came quite suddenly and unexpectedly for the child. Whoops, seems my true colors have shown again.

My heavenly Father: Wow! God must look down at me after trying to work all things for good in my life (Romans 8:28), seeking me constantly regardless of my demeanor toward Him (Matthew 18:12), being patient with me (2 Peter 3:9), just wanting to enjoy me and me to enjoy Him (Luke 15:20). Giving, giving, giving to and for me only to have me push Him aside, prioritize other things, and seek out comfort from different places. He must be jealous for my affection as well! 

Duct tape: Like Red Green says, it fixes everything! But, I don't think using it to help Boaz attach to me would be a good idea...