Absolutely.

Alright folks, it's my turn to take a whack at this... If you haven't noticed, all these posts have been Susi's regardless of my name, Luke, being attached to them due to our joint account.

I'd just like to share honestly some of what I experienced personally over the past couple of  days. And while it definitely included the happy, joyous expectations that we have had for so long, it also involved some difficulty in dealing with Boaz's grief and anger at being taken away from the only family he knows.

At our meeting to pick him up the foster mom arrived with tears in her eyes already, Boaz saw us and immediately began having an inconsolable tantrum, it seemed as if the staff rushed us through the process, Boaz flipped out being put in a carrier on Susi's back, his "big sister" was told to put him in our arms and the van door was slammed shut as we literally sped away...

That was it. That was how Boaz became ours. It wasn't very pretty, there wasn't much time to say goodbyes or console each other or transition him gently. It was just heartless.

On the plane ride over I had the chance to watch The Shack and to be honest, it was pretty hard to get through and brought up a lot of emotion for me. No spoilers here, but the character and the things he works through really resonated with me and the journey I have been on over the past few years. And watching it brought me to a conclusion I couldn't deny.

During a scene the man is speaking to "a voice of wisdom" who begins asking him who he would blame for certain bad things he sees in the world, they keep travelling back in time until Adam and Eve and wisdom asks, "Since God created them would you blame Him too?" The man, distraught and angry over reliving his pain, says, "Fine....Absolutely". He might not have admitted it before, but when taken down the path of his own anger and bitterness, he couldn't deny the result, he was angry at God, he blamed God. If God was all powerful why didn't he stop the terrible things from happening?

My emotions betrayed me and I have to be honest; I never said it, I never cursed God, but behind all the acceptable ways to express my grief, underneath all the proper ways to say what I was feeling, when asked to follow my own logic to a conclusion, I would have defiantly spoken those same words, "Fine...I absolutely blame God". In my heart, at my core, I was angry AT God, I BLAMED God.

The Shack had a very creative way of expressing how this man works through that grief and anger and answers those questions of life that are the most difficult to ask or answer. But it was never easy or gentle. Working through all of that was harsh and painful. But God was there through it all. Even when the target of anger and blame.

Fast forward to the afternoon we picked up Boaz. The drive back to the hotel went well, he seemed distracted by the van ride. We had some good playtime with laughs and giggles, books, toys, and bubbles. But when it came time to close the blinds and turn down the lights for a nap, he realized something was not right and relapsed into an episode worse than before. It was hard to see him reach for us only to be picked up and fling his head back as if he wanted to be put back down. Boaz wanted to be consoled, but not by me, he wanted his foster mom. He would wave his hand at the door as if to motion, "It's time to leave, it's time to take me home!" But there was no going back.

All the while I was holding him I was thinking, He blames me, he's angry at me, but he wants to be consoled and I'm not going to leave him, I'm just going to have to hold him until he gets through this. What!? What does that sound like, wait a second, I was just reminded of that very same dynamic in a movie I watched on the plane...

I suddenly had maybe just a glimpse of what God must have felt like with me; angry, bitter, lashing out at anyone or anything around me, but still wanting some answers, some consolation in other words from the very person I ultimately directed those emotions at.

I wanted to say to Boaz, "I didn't cause this, I'm not punishing you, I'm just trying to redeem the terrible situation that led you to being an orphan, that led to the pain you are experiencing now." How can I expect more from a 19 month old baby, than from myself, a grown man? May these words be a witness that I will never forget how difficult I was while dealing with grief and always be understanding of Boaz.

So much pain, so much anger, so much grief in the world today. Maybe in your life. It won't be easy or clean to get through, but God will be there, ABSOLUTELY; even if you blame Him. And He wants to redeem it, maybe by weaving you into a redemption story for another, so that you can know His heart and have compassion on others.