I'm a man and I can change...

Remember the line from the Red Green show on public TV? "I'm a man and I can change, if I have to, I guess".  Despite resisting that for 10 years of marriage, I have finally given in. 

Attachment has been a challenge for Boaz and I since he came home. I feel deceived! Especially after we had those good times together on our first visit, laughing and playing together. And the "bonding" on our second trip, working through his initial grief, finding a few special things that made him laugh and giggle. And spending a few extra days together before we came home to join the rest of the family. I thought we had something going here!

Well, as you may have read from Susi's earlier post things have changed slightly...majorly. Boaz does have good times of play if he's in the right mood and we've had a few good moments just between the two of us. But for the most part Boaz is very attached to Susi...and very NOT attached to anyone else. 

We have a special wakeup routine (morning, afternoon, or middle of the night); Boaz wakes up, looks around, starts fussing, gets up, starts crying, leaves his room, starts howling. At this point most parents know to pick up their child and give them a hug, however when I do this Boaz flips out even more, thrashing and arching his back, screaming louder than ever. So it becomes a race to get to mom ASAP and try to reassure him that I will spend NO time trying to console him, but speed him to who he really cares about!

Now as the man of the house I am the designated "problem solver", so you can imagine it's frustrating to attempt to solve the problem of my little buddy that I carried around happily in my arms and on my back for a week in Seoul only to find out he'll have none of it! 

So after trying a few different techniques that all resulted in total meltdown, I've resigned myself to the statement, I'm a man and I can change, if I have to, I guess. And as I reread through some of the Empowered to Connect principles from classes we have taken, some understanding calmed my nerves.  

They recommend parents stay home a full 30-40 days to aid in the transition and consider the first 3 months critical for an adoptive child to attach to any caregiver, so we're doing pretty good with him attaching to Susi!  

He is just past the age, 8-12 months, shown by research to be most difficult for a child to transfer to a new country and culture. There is a need behind the behavior; he is developing trust in us like a newborn infant does, "I matter because when I cry, my parents come and meet my needs" (even if it is just a hand off to Mom).

So I've calmed down and learned some lessons about a few different things:

Pride: I think I can do it all, that my ability and knowledge will enable me to figure anything out. Wrong! Due to the way things are it's just not so with Bo. I'm going to have to be patient and put in my time of calmly and gently responding to him "voicing" his concerns in order for him to attach to me.

Selfishness: I guess I expected some reciprocal affection from Boaz. I've gone to all this effort to bring him home and took time off work to try and ease the transition. And I have given, given, given to and for this little one. Karyn Purvis' Empowered to Connect resources reminded me that while we have been anticipating this change for months or even years for some, it all came quite suddenly and unexpectedly for the child. Whoops, seems my true colors have shown again.

My heavenly Father: Wow! God must look down at me after trying to work all things for good in my life (Romans 8:28), seeking me constantly regardless of my demeanor toward Him (Matthew 18:12), being patient with me (2 Peter 3:9), just wanting to enjoy me and me to enjoy Him (Luke 15:20). Giving, giving, giving to and for me only to have me push Him aside, prioritize other things, and seek out comfort from different places. He must be jealous for my affection as well! 

Duct tape: Like Red Green says, it fixes everything! But, I don't think using it to help Boaz attach to me would be a good idea...

Feasting on Faith

Boaz Gaon has been in our home exactly one week!! These days have been filled with shrieks of laughter while being chased by brothers, coloring and building blocks with sisters, morning walks in mama's backpack, and trying new foods!

There were also midnight bottles, sleeping on the floor, and Bo crying uncontrollably; slapping our comforting hands or faces, throwing things, & refusing to be held.

Luke said to me one day: "Look; how would you feel if you thought your entire family was dead? Because as far as Boaz knows, that's pretty much what happened." 

"One day he was happy, living with the foster family he knew and loved; the next, he's living with strangers. And he had absolutely no say in what happened to him."

But even this truth can stretch compassion thin when an angry 20 month old is screaming in your face, refusing to be consoled in a tantrum that can last anywhere from 5 to 30 min.

In these moments, I admit it's easy to think; is this what we're in for? All this grief and pain unleashed all over us without notice, sparked by an unknown trigger in this little one's body?

I don't want to give the impression that it's always like this... for the most part,  miraculously,  Boaz is a cheerful boy with a winsome attitude and plays well with others.  He engages with every member of the family and exhibits bright intelligence and curiosity. He's attaching well to his forever mama.  He's truly a joy!

But honestly,  he's also a grieving little baby who is trying to sort out the events of the past few weeks and his level of coping is under great stress.  

Helping him work through this transition time has the additional challenge of 4 older brothers and sisters; each with needs of their own.  For instance, Boaz throws a fit anytime Susi ("ooh-ma")  gives affection to any member of the family.  (Even to Luke!)

If one of his sisters climbs on mama's lap,  Bo will yank a handful of her hair to file his complaint.  If the boys cuddle with mama to read on the couch, he tries to take the book away so the brothers can't see it.

At bedtime,  or naptime, he refuses to fall asleep unless Susi is beside him. He keeps his hand on her arm & raising his head to check & make sure she's still there!  

His territorial behaviour can be annoying and even hurtful at times. In moments when his little survival instincts compel him into overdrive, we remind the children (and ourselves!) that this little guy has lost everything he ever knew.

His world was shaken several times; when birth mom relinquished him to Holt. Then, after over a year with a loving foster family, when he was whisked away by a strange, overly excited, couple to a new home: 2x in one week. 

Out of all the minor adjustments our family is making,  surely his transition has been more radical.  And as his parents, we often find ourselves mirroring his helpless confusion as we struggle to read his needs and see through his behavior to the pain underneath. 

Honestly; if we hadn't taken years of Empowered to Connect training, attended adoption conferences, & listened to the wisdom and experiences from several adoptive-parent friends, we'd be having one or two crying jags of our own!!

During these moments of just sitting on the floor watching our sweet baby boy wail in his grief,  knowing to reach out to him will just incite his angry rejection of offered comfort, the enemy likes to sneak doubt in our minds... (enter snake - voice, here:) 

"See? He'll always reject you.  What were you thinking, trying to step in and fix his world? You don't have a clue what to do right now... I bet your other kids hate you for bringing him home..."

But as quickly as those doubts creep in, Truth blazes through in a Voice louder and stronger than any scoffer. "See? I am doing a new thing... he knows you love him because you're still here and you're not going anywhere... I AM the healer of all brokenness... I WILL heal his heart..."

After his tantrum subsides, Boaz reaches out his arms for a warm hug. With sniffles, & precious pawing-away of tears with his cute baby hands, he joins in with the family again... welcomed back with smiles and cheerful brothers & sisters.  

Right now,  we've been reading through "You and Me Forever" by Francis and Lisa Chan. Their book blows other marriage books right out of the water; mainly because they don't focus on the marriage.  They write the most about our personal relationships with Jesus Christ and how following in His footsteps as individuals first, and then as a couple, is what makes a terrific marriage.  

As our faith has been tested and strengthened throughout this adoption,  Chan's words are so affirming.

"We can be sure that we are heaven - bound if we trust in Jesus. But God blesses us even further - He promises to reward any sacrifices made lovingly for His kingdom (Mark 10:28-30). In fact,  it is impossible to please God unless we believe in His rewards. 

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6)"

Chan writes earlier; "Believers on a mission are going to look a little crazy to most of the world..." (check.)

Just as we've adjusted our family's expectations on how long we'll need to slow our schedule in order to help Boaz acclimate, we've also adjusted our "normal" child parenting routines. 

When Boaz reaches out to stake his claim on "ooh-ma", mama quickly captures his hand and shows him how to gently stroke his sister's hair or his brother's face. 

We put Bo to bed before the other children.  This gives him the exclusive time he wants with mama, while the other Schurters get to wrangle with Daddy or have quiet time with puzzles/books. After Bo drifts off to sleep,  mama gets her read-aloud couch time with the older children.  (No little hands snatch away Homer Price!)

We're all adjusting.  We're all on various levels grieving what once was.  But God is strengthening our faith.  He's multiplying His goodness.  He's right in the midst of our new family.  Thanks for praying!!

He's Home!! ♡

It was with very mixed emotions that we said goodbye to Korea on Monday morning, September 18th. Such a beautiful country ... so rich in culture, sights and sounds. I kept looking down at Boaz, his sweet little head leaning on me as we taxied down the tarmac thinking, this little one has no idea how far he's going to travel today.

But as bittersweet as it was to take him away from his birth country, our anticipation and excitement to introduce him to America and his brothers and sisters and family and friends mounted!

The little guy was a champ! He happily played with the stickers and little toys we brought from Dollar Tree, easily entertained by Daddy or myself; no crying, no fits, no meltdowns! We were armed with pediatric melatonin and a calming supplements for babies just in case!

We were thrilled that Korean Air - love that Airline! - gave us a complimentary free seat between Luke and me!! (We had opted not to purchase a seat for Boaz on this flight, since he would need to spend most of the time on my lap during turbulence.)

Bo actually slept for 6 hours - incredible on an over 12 hour flight - we were prepared for the worst and were pleasantly surprised! Luke shared our pediatric melatonin with a couple other Mamas whose babies wanted OFF the plane! 

Bo's first view of the Midwest of the United States! Korean Air played our National Anthem while we taxied ... very special moment for us with our young son. 

It was wonderful to come through customs and immigration and see warm friendly faces on the other side to greet us! Thank you, Dave, Marianne and Warren for driving up to Chicago to get us! And many thanks to all of you who were waiting with posters, smiles and cheers when we pulled into the church parking lot! 

Each one of you has had a part in this adoption through your prayer support, encouragement, and love! We could not have brought Bo home without you! Thank you for being a part of this blessing!

Yes, buddy, you are definitely worth the wait! It is wonderful to be a family again with our five children, all together!! After praying for over 19 months, he's finally home sitting at the dinner table giving us goofy grins and making us all laugh! 

We know there's a grieving process he will still walk through, but he honestly seems to love being with us! We are so thankful for the sweet little life; a precious addition to the Schurter family!

Capturing culture

We took a couple days to revisit some historic Korean sites that we had toured during our 1st trip to Korea. Pictures help reshape the story, so we wanted make sure we took Boaz around to famous Korean places and capture those experiences for him.

Gyeongbokgung Palace is one of five palaces in Seoul and inarguably the grandest. Dragons,  a holdover from Chinese influence, are depicted in various places throughout the courtyard and denote strength and power. This one stands guard outside the palace. 

This gigantic drum is sounded during the changing of the guard ceremony.  

Our sweet friend and Holt tour guide/ social worker Summer. We met at our hotel to exchange gifts (Korea is a very gift - giving culture to show friendship and appreciation). She graciously took pictures of us for his baby book!

Korea's beloved King Sejong. He created Hangol so the common people could communicate.His reign is also famed for the Sundial and astrological mapping.

We are enjoying traditional Korean food! Bo gobbles up rice and fish soup like a champ, snacking on dried seaweed papers called "laver". We are still learning chopsticks!

This is a view from the top of our hotel.  You can see the blue roof of their President's home (Koreans call it "the blue house " their version of our "white house ".) You can also see the grounds of the Gyeongbokgung Palace. 

We walked through Insadong again; a quirky section of town with lots of tourism, arts and fashion. An escape artist was giving an impromptu show,  generating a large crowd of spectators. (Yes; he actually made it out of these chains!!)

We ate dinner tonight at this restaurant in Insadong. It was a crowded tonight since it's the weekend. Bo's eyes lit up when they brought out the side dishes.  This little guy will eat mushrooms, green seaweed, bulgogi and of course his favorite: bap (rice). It was delicious & we all ate heartily!

Koreans like to give the peace sign when posing for pictures but Boaz can only put one finger of the V up at a time. 😉

We've noticed more stares since we've been out in public with Bo. When it was just us, the looks were curious but dismissive; because we're tourists.) Apparently, Koreans don't quite know what to think of a Caucasian couple adopting a Korean. 

We were told by a local that it would never occur to most Koreans to adopt a child; let alone one of a different race; especially if they already had children of their own. 

Most of the long glances are just interested.  But some of the looks, particularly from older-generation Koreans, tended to be more pointed and spoke wordless criticism.

  We know it's not the first experience we're going to have as a multi-racial family. But we also know how much diversity makes God smile... and so we smile back in the face of their disapproval; feeling sorry for their lack of understanding and for missing the tremendous blessing we're a part of. 

Absolutely.

Alright folks, it's my turn to take a whack at this... If you haven't noticed, all these posts have been Susi's regardless of my name, Luke, being attached to them due to our joint account.

I'd just like to share honestly some of what I experienced personally over the past couple of  days. And while it definitely included the happy, joyous expectations that we have had for so long, it also involved some difficulty in dealing with Boaz's grief and anger at being taken away from the only family he knows.

At our meeting to pick him up the foster mom arrived with tears in her eyes already, Boaz saw us and immediately began having an inconsolable tantrum, it seemed as if the staff rushed us through the process, Boaz flipped out being put in a carrier on Susi's back, his "big sister" was told to put him in our arms and the van door was slammed shut as we literally sped away...

That was it. That was how Boaz became ours. It wasn't very pretty, there wasn't much time to say goodbyes or console each other or transition him gently. It was just heartless.

On the plane ride over I had the chance to watch The Shack and to be honest, it was pretty hard to get through and brought up a lot of emotion for me. No spoilers here, but the character and the things he works through really resonated with me and the journey I have been on over the past few years. And watching it brought me to a conclusion I couldn't deny.

During a scene the man is speaking to "a voice of wisdom" who begins asking him who he would blame for certain bad things he sees in the world, they keep travelling back in time until Adam and Eve and wisdom asks, "Since God created them would you blame Him too?" The man, distraught and angry over reliving his pain, says, "Fine....Absolutely". He might not have admitted it before, but when taken down the path of his own anger and bitterness, he couldn't deny the result, he was angry at God, he blamed God. If God was all powerful why didn't he stop the terrible things from happening?

My emotions betrayed me and I have to be honest; I never said it, I never cursed God, but behind all the acceptable ways to express my grief, underneath all the proper ways to say what I was feeling, when asked to follow my own logic to a conclusion, I would have defiantly spoken those same words, "Fine...I absolutely blame God". In my heart, at my core, I was angry AT God, I BLAMED God.

The Shack had a very creative way of expressing how this man works through that grief and anger and answers those questions of life that are the most difficult to ask or answer. But it was never easy or gentle. Working through all of that was harsh and painful. But God was there through it all. Even when the target of anger and blame.

Fast forward to the afternoon we picked up Boaz. The drive back to the hotel went well, he seemed distracted by the van ride. We had some good playtime with laughs and giggles, books, toys, and bubbles. But when it came time to close the blinds and turn down the lights for a nap, he realized something was not right and relapsed into an episode worse than before. It was hard to see him reach for us only to be picked up and fling his head back as if he wanted to be put back down. Boaz wanted to be consoled, but not by me, he wanted his foster mom. He would wave his hand at the door as if to motion, "It's time to leave, it's time to take me home!" But there was no going back.

All the while I was holding him I was thinking, He blames me, he's angry at me, but he wants to be consoled and I'm not going to leave him, I'm just going to have to hold him until he gets through this. What!? What does that sound like, wait a second, I was just reminded of that very same dynamic in a movie I watched on the plane...

I suddenly had maybe just a glimpse of what God must have felt like with me; angry, bitter, lashing out at anyone or anything around me, but still wanting some answers, some consolation in other words from the very person I ultimately directed those emotions at.

I wanted to say to Boaz, "I didn't cause this, I'm not punishing you, I'm just trying to redeem the terrible situation that led you to being an orphan, that led to the pain you are experiencing now." How can I expect more from a 19 month old baby, than from myself, a grown man? May these words be a witness that I will never forget how difficult I was while dealing with grief and always be understanding of Boaz.

So much pain, so much anger, so much grief in the world today. Maybe in your life. It won't be easy or clean to get through, but God will be there, ABSOLUTELY; even if you blame Him. And He wants to redeem it, maybe by weaving you into a redemption story for another, so that you can know His heart and have compassion on others.